brusque teen

here in college
it's as if nobody knew i was a loser in highschool and everyone wants to be friends.

they're more shallow than the kitty pool and
i dont think they've ever gone skin deep.

personalities made of expectations and empty fridays.
lost in snapchat filters and instagram captions.
clawing away at their hearts.
trying to feel something.


this is for all of you.
just be yourself for only yourself.
dont try to change who you are.

instead.
fall in love with yourself.
fall in love with your uniqueness.
fall in love with your scars and the way they fill your empty spaces.
fall in love with your past and every aspect of the present.


look side to side and up and down.
accept that your backwards and inside out. 

disregard anyone that says you need to be something you're not,
because there is infinite beauty in who you really are.

and once you do this,
the people that truly matter will come into your life.
and you can laugh at the absurdity of it all.

i've been thinking.

i've been thinking about you.

i've been thinking about you all day.

i've been thinking about if you've been thinking about me.

i think we would be good together.
i think the smell of you is a drug.
i think I'm intoxicated.

i think i hate you.
i think i like you.
i think you're too perfect.

i think it would be okay if we held hands again.
i think i like the way your hands feel.
i think i like the way they feel on my skin.

i don't think you think about me.
i don't think you feel it.
i don't think you know how i feel.
i don't think you know what you're doing to me.
i think i'm an idiot.
i think i'm delusional.
i think i'm going insane.

i think i've been thinking too much.

she was the dark side of the moon.
just a whimper in the wind.
she was animal crackers and the number 4
she had flawless skin and a broken heart
but her face never showed it.

he was a face in the hall.
just a crumb of the cake.
he was a southern boy who would never see the northern lights.
he had shaky hands and a distant childhood
but never once did he cry.

they were just kids trying to capture the sun.
and wolfs crying to the moon.
but together they were everything.
long drives, loud music, and soft words.
they knew in another life their branches had grown intertwined.
and only the stars they gazed at foresaw how they would change each other.

i remember when i learned my first swear. it was at the butterfly park.

i remember when my orange tree was the tallest thing in the world.

i remember the first time i cracked my head open. my brother hit me with a bat.

i remember the time when i first realized that i liked being an artist.

i remember the first time i saw my dad cry. i was sitting on my grandmothers wool rug.

i remember when i thought i could never get sunburned.

i remember when i thought i had super powers.

i remember walking with my mother to pick up pine cones from my favorite climbing tree that was chopped down. that was the first loss i ever experienced.

i remember wearing matching outfits with my siblings to every theme park.

i remember when my house was alive. now it creaks, not from footsteps, but the absence of footsteps. it reminds me how empty it is here.

i remember the sweet smell of the sequoia trees at Yosemite. you could smell it from miles away, before you even entered the forest.

i remember when i pushed my dog down the swirly slide.

i remember my dad teaching me how to whistle.

i remember spending hours at the clubhouse in the attic. we found the coolest things up there.

i remember how i felt when i moved away from California.

i remember spending hours at the clubhouse in the attic. we found the coolest things up there.

i remember when i was happy.

i wish i could stop this and start living.

i've enjoyed writing this blog.
it's been a way for me to work though a lot of tough things.
its honestly changed me more than i can express.
i dont know where i'd be today if i hadn't taken this class.
yeah, it seems like i'm over emphasizing the effect it's had on my life but trust me. i'm under emphasizing.
and there are just two more things i'd like to say.
one is to you kyle nelson. you have made a huge impact in my life. the way you taught us to open our eyes. and see things. to create things.  its truly changed my life and has helped me figure out who i am and what i want to do. i hope you realize the way you help and change your students. thank you.

and lastly, i'd like to thank all of you for reading my blog, and for all the comments and encouragement. 

sincerely,
ashby orgill

death.
ive felt his shadow on my back too many times.
ive seen his dirty work too many times.
for a while i forgot myself.
all i saw was darkness and daisies
daffodils and despair.
i found comfort in weakness because it was always there for me.
i forgot there were other filters than black and white.
my sunday tie turned into a noose,
and my bath tub turned into a comfy looking coffin.
and i wanted nothing more than to disappear into the shadows.
to be the shadows.


life.
for a while i forgot what it was,
it left my eyes.
it had no meaning to me.
no purpose.
but one day i realized.
i realized why i was alive.
i realized all the things i had.
all the things i could have.
i realized that life is beautiful.
i found the glacier lilies blooming.
i found the wind in the trees.
i found the sky.
i found my purpose.
and i found myself.

my fears... my afraids: