brusque teen

i remember when i learned my first swear. it was at the butterfly park.

i remember when my orange tree was the tallest thing in the world.

i remember the first time i cracked my head open. my brother hit me with a bat.

i remember the time when i first realized that i liked being an artist.

i remember the first time i saw my dad cry. i was sitting on my grandmothers wool rug.

i remember when i thought i could never get sunburned.

i remember when i thought i had super powers.

i remember walking with my mother to pick up pine cones from my favorite climbing tree that was chopped down. that was the first loss i ever experienced.

i remember wearing matching outfits with my siblings to every theme park.

i remember when my house was alive. now it creaks, not from footsteps, but the absence of footsteps. it reminds me how empty it is here.

i remember the sweet smell of the sequoia trees at Yosemite. you could smell it from miles away, before you even entered the forest.

i remember when i pushed my dog down the swirly slide.

i remember my dad teaching me how to whistle.

i remember spending hours at the clubhouse in the attic. we found the coolest things up there.

i remember how i felt when i moved away from California.

i remember spending hours at the clubhouse in the attic. we found the coolest things up there.

i remember when i was happy.

i wish i could stop this and start living.

i've enjoyed writing this blog.
it's been a way for me to work though a lot of tough things.
its honestly changed me more than i can express.
i dont know where i'd be today if i hadn't taken this class.
yeah, it seems like i'm over emphasizing the effect it's had on my life but trust me. i'm under emphasizing.
and there are just two more things i'd like to say.
one is to you kyle nelson. you have made a huge impact in my life. the way you taught us to open our eyes. and see things. to create things.  its truly changed my life and has helped me figure out who i am and what i want to do. i hope you realize the way you help and change your students. thank you.

and lastly, i'd like to thank all of you for reading my blog, and for all the comments and encouragement. 

sincerely,
ashby orgill

death.
ive felt his shadow on my back too many times.
ive seen his dirty work too many times.
for a while i forgot myself.
all i saw was darkness and daisies
daffodils and despair.
i found comfort in weakness because it was always there for me.
i forgot there were other filters than black and white.
my sunday tie turned into a noose,
and my bath tub turned into a comfy looking coffin.
and i wanted nothing more than to disappear into the shadows.
to be the shadows.


life.
for a while i forgot what it was,
it left my eyes.
it had no meaning to me.
no purpose.
but one day i realized.
i realized why i was alive.
i realized all the things i had.
all the things i could have.
i realized that life is beautiful.
i found the glacier lilies blooming.
i found the wind in the trees.
i found the sky.
i found my purpose.
and i found myself.

my fears... my afraids:

recently my fridays have become quite boring.
i have nothing to do,
or rather nobody to do nothing with.
i've resorted to solving rubix cubes and boondoggling,
and collecting plants cuz why not,
and climbing mountains,
and starting up my rock collection again,
reading ahah
slow motion dancing in the mirror to my favorite song songs,
hoarding food in my room,
finding funny pictures in the ceiling,
making paper models.
using candle light cuz electricity doesn't exist yet.
looking for gifs of black people eating fried chicken.
idk.
i do weird crap when i'm bored.

i guess robots don't get bored.
so there, i'm not a robot.

im a fool for the hum of your lips

im a fool for the cracks in your hands

im a fool for your shoulders

im a fool for your love


i found your eyes

i found your scars

i found myself

i found you


i wanna hold your hips

i wanna steal your collar bone

i wanna hear your songs

i wanna kiss your cheek


you took my hand

you took me under

you took me places ill never forget

you took my heart.

i lost my crayons.
it was when i was playing pretend in the backyard
or on the first day of school in 3rd grade.
i only cried once when god didn't help me find them.

soon, my mom bought me a new set of colored pencils
i knew she just wanted me to draw her more pictures.
she cherished my work.
but the new ones didn't look quite right.
the people were skinnier
and my lines were too short.
the long sticks of wood felt strange in my hand.
i kept dropping them.
they started to crack and i got splinters.
i was sick of the stupid pencils.

i looked back at my coloring book.
and the pages filled with colorful wax.
it smelled familiar and i wanted my crayons back more than anything.
but once you lose that box there's no going back.
with small splintered hands laced together and wet eyes staring up at the stars,
i wished for my crayons back.
but the stars only twinkled in response.
and the rocks i threw never reached them.
and i yelled at them for not hearing my little wish.

now,
so many years later,
i miss my colored pencils.
i never thought i would but i do.
i was always taking them for granted.
never realizing what i had when i had them.
now all i have is a black pen.
i only use it to trace the outlines of words already said.
right now i know i don't like this pen but i have a feeling in a couple months i'm gunna miss it.
i'll regret never using it as a brush.
cuz soon i'll only have the keys on this computer.
so i need to stop missing my colored pencils and my crayons and start loving this pen of mine.